Thursday, October 12, 2006

What More Can We Possibly Bear?

Today after a perfectly nice visit with Marsha and Teresa, Little Bug started having seizures. At first we thought he was shivering, but then it was followed by strange and rythmic behavior. The first one was fairly blown off with the thought that we would just let the docs know about it and we would watch for other strange behaviors. So we said goodbye to Marsha and Teresa and before I knew it Connor was having a series of full blown seizures, they call them clusters. I cried my eyes out as I held my fragile little boys hands while he went through 5 seizures in just under 30 minutes.

The docs were right there watching as well and administering medications as each happened. There are several explanations as to why, but I'll be honest, none of them make sense. I truly don't know what else we could possibly stand by and watch our precious boy go through. We have seen so much with our eyes and it has created scaring memories that I fear we will never forget. I'm scared to close my eyes for fear that those memories will play in technicolor vision and never stop. I have to ask myself, "Will we ever be free of fear and worry?" I want so desparately to believe that we are going to get through this, but it is so hard to ride this roller coaster of emotions. A good friend told me just yesterday not to forget that God is for us and He is for Connor. I want to believe that too, but once again, we see so many difficulties and hurdles to conqure that it is beginning to seem impossible.

I know you must be reading this thinking that I probably have multiple personality syndrome because one day I post with hopeful praise and the next I am a lump of nothingness at the bottom of the barrel again. I guarantee you that I am not psycho, I am hopefully just being real. My heart is breaking this evening and I can't stop it. I am worried about my baby and what more he is going to have to face on this journey and I am fearful that I cannot protect him from whatever is looming in the darkness.

Thankfully my best friend, my biggest supporter and the love of my life is on his way home early. God trully does know when I need him the most. Hurry home sweetheart, I need the safety of your arms and the strength of your embrace.

Lovebug Hugs,

PS ~ The lungs are still in bad shape....nothing new in their development today. Connor has also developed a fever. Keep praying!!!!


Heather said...

You do not sound like you have multiple personalities. You sound like a mother. A mother who has a heart of flesh. Some days, we are able to take on the world, and other days we just want to cry in fear of it. Every day we want to protect and love and care for our babies. That shows itself in different ways on different days. You are tired my dear friend. THAT IS ALRIGHT! Lean on the Lord tonight and know that just as He holds Connor, He holds you too. He created you with each and every emotion you feel. Thank you for being so open with us. We pray specifically for you because of this. I love you and am holding up Connor and you and Randy!
Love you soooo much!
Heather B.

Chandler said...

hey Lori i just read about connor I hope and pray he will get better well I gotta go bye

Bug said...

Oh Baby Connor, we think of you so often and so much, you are held in our thoughts and our prayers. I am so sorry for the road you have to travel and for the sights that are left unseen. I only wish as so many of us do that your body could heal, you could go home and you could be a baby bug... And Im sure through the grace of God this will happen. I pray that your lungs heal and that you have no more seizures. That you have rest and peace and are allowed to finish healing. We love you so very much bug!!! And Lori I pray Randy is home with you all soon, Im so happy he is on his way, because I know you must need him so much right now. Keep your faith and hold on to dreams of home with your family, they will come true, your little bug will heal and your fears will subside!!!! I Love You BIG BUG HUGS Shiela

Anonymous said...

Lori, It has been a long while since I have been able to blog in here, I have caught up on all your blogs, oh my what Little bug and you all have been through, but we know that God is Carrying you not through it, but Over it. You are Over comers, that is what we all have to remember, that is what I know that I have to remember in my trials, Is God is with us and with God all things are possible. On my cell phone, My choice of ringers that wake me in the morning, the first one is what wakes me at 6:45 and it is When I call on Jesus, all things are Possible!! then at 7am, it is Create in me a clean heeaart ohhh God!Then the last one is We are family, now that is of course secular, but Im thinking that We ARE a family, a Family of God!! An we are here to lift each other up. You are not psycho, you are normal, your tired, you want your baby boy, to quit hurting, you want to be able to take him home, and go for walks again and play with abbey and everything you want to do at home. That will come Lori. IT will. Just rest in Jesus! I know I KNOOWWWWW its easier saaid than done, right now, I can really understand that it is easier said than done, but try to rest in His Arms and Randy too!! All three of you will be in His Arms and He will give you all strength and love and courage and warmth and grace and peace and security! I love you guys. Pleasse give lovebug a little squeeze for me and a love bug kiss on the tip of his nose!!! YOur Friend and SIster in the Lord, Darina

Anonymous said...

Hugs,Love and MANY Prayers sent.


Anonymous said...

Lori, We are praying! Once again, thanks for being real! To be honest I am at a lost for words at the moment. I cannot imagine what it is like to watch your son go through sooooo much. Lord Jesus, Connor needs a break here from all of this. Lord, we ask for a miracle in the name of Jesus for Connor. Lord we ask that you once again give the Dr.'s wisdom and direction when caring for Connor. Lord Jesus, overwhelm Lori & Randy with your peace during this most difficult time. AMEN!
Sue & family

Anonymous said...

Oh Lori - how much more can you possibly bear? Lord, is it enough? Please move Your hand in a mighty way - this little guy needs relief. Lori, my heart breaks for you tonight. I can't imagine the pain in your mothers heart. What a helpless feeling to watch your sweet little one suffer. Oh, I will pray often! With love, Rhonda

Anonymous said...


We continue to lift you all up in our prayers. I am so sorry to hear of the siezures. They can really be terrifying.

As others have stated, you write so beautifully. You are a window into this world where nothing at all makes sense. We know. You don't know how much you have helped me in our daily struggles with some of the same issues with Christopher. While I have always been a Christian, you have helped me to become closer to God.

How I wish we lived closer, so that I could DO something for you! Even if it was to just sit with you.

I made some calls tonight and started a larger prayer chain. Some of my friends(from different churches), have also called theirs. Please know that there are hundreds of people here in Illinois praying for all of you, and especially Connor.

Love and prayers,
Steph in Illinois

Princess Morgan said...

Robin here. I so wish I could take the pain away. I think about Connor & you through a majority of my day & pray relief is right around the corner. I totally understand your emotional roller coaster. I think many of us following Connor's journey are right along with you. Sometimes I just want to scream!!! Dear GOD, why is this happening??!! You were chosen for great things is what I believe! Hold strong dear Connor. God will show us his reason (though he already has...Connor has touched so many lives).God bless dear friends. Lady bug hugs.

Jackie said...

Continued prayers for you and your little bug.

Heart Hugs,
Jackie Scott and Trevor

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to hear that today was not a very good day for Connor. I am so glad for you that Randy gets to come home soon. Thank God that you and Randy have each other to hold one another up during this time. Nothing is better than having the one that you love and trust with you during a time like this. I guess that the pictures you posted the other day of you and Randy have reminded me of how important our marriages are and to never loose track of that powerful love in middle of times like these. We will not stop praying for Connor and I will pray that those horrible memories will be erased from your memory. Nothing is impossible with God!

Michelle said...

so sorry to hear of this latest development; keeping connor, as always, in my prayers.