Discouraging Days....

The stillness of my 9 month old son lying in a hospital bed is beginning to haunt me. Last night after a fairly quiet day with Connor, I decided to get a good nights sleep and go to bed early. Once again, I tossed and I turned until I wore myself out about 10:30pm. I awoke abruptly at 2:10am sobbing in my sleeping room from a horrible, haunting nightmare that had capitalized on all my worst fears for Connor. Every time I tried to go back to sleep I kept seeing the same images so I drug myself out of that bed and roamed the hallways of Children's Hospital until 6:30 am when I smelled the waft of cafeteria scrambled eggs. I ate my portion of protein and I kept telling myself, "This is good for the wee little bug inside of me to grow big and strong." After finishing, I stumbled back to my sleeping room where I surrendered myself to a few hours of sleep. The phone rang a little after 9:30am and I heard Randy's voice on the other end of the line. He was still in Germany but they were just waiting for the bus to pick them up to go to the airplane. Hopefully he will be home late Sunday night or Monday morning.

Yesterday and today have been very still and quiet days for Little Bug. He is heavily sedated so he is motionless and silent. He has been running a high fever which today they found out was from the cathater that he has had in place. They removed that to find that he has a urinary tract infection and they are now treating him with the proper antibiotics. He had broke the fever this morning after his bath with nurse Amy, but then around 4pm he started climbing again and when I left him minutes ago it was around 103 degrees again. They've sent more blood cultures to see if there may be another infection in his body but there are no results yet. His lungs seem to be sounding a bit more clear, but because of the ventulator settings he doesn't really have the drive or the push to take a breath on his own. The breathing tube will remain in until at least Tuesday and then they will reevaluate. They are planning to do a Bronchoscopy on Monday to check and see if he is having any airway difficulty which is making it hard for his lungs to heal. They admit this is a shot in the dark, but it's worth a try. I'll keep you posted on their findings!!!

Well, I'm off for another try at getting a good nights rest. If I could be specific with my request tonight, I would ask that you pray for me that the discouragement would lift and the looming darkness that I sense around me would be banished. As always please pray for Randy's safe return and for our Little Bug to be healthy and whole. Thanks!!!

Lord, please shine your light of truth on my doubts and give me hope once again. Amen.

Lovebug Hugs,
Lori

12:45AM!!!!!!!!

After tossing and turning since 9pm I think I had finally fallen asleep when I hear, "Ring, Ring..." the telephone in my room was ringing at 12:45am. With sheer panic I answered to hear, "Mrs. Robertson, Please hold the line, the doctor wants to speak with you." Soon after that Connor's doctor got on the line and told me that the respitory team was in the process of re-intubating Little Bug. They had done some blood work earlier because his fever was rising so high and his CO2 levels had reached 98!!! You or I would be dead with that number!!! Somehow Connor's body had been compinsating for the high levels, but this time he was not. They made the decision to put the breathing tube back in to give him a break from all the work that his body was having to provide just to get him by in marginal fashion. So, it's back to the heavy sedation, pain medication and many more days of Little Bug's eyes being closed. I guess I feel blessed that today when he was only on the c-pap when I kissed him I could actually kiss his lips.....small blessing indeed, but huge in a mother's eyes who feels like everything else has been taken away.

Lovebug Hugs,
Lori

PS ~ No word from Randy yet....My hope is that he is airborne and westbound!!!!

What More Can We Possibly Bear?

Today after a perfectly nice visit with Marsha and Teresa, Little Bug started having seizures. At first we thought he was shivering, but then it was followed by strange and rythmic behavior. The first one was fairly blown off with the thought that we would just let the docs know about it and we would watch for other strange behaviors. So we said goodbye to Marsha and Teresa and before I knew it Connor was having a series of full blown seizures, they call them clusters. I cried my eyes out as I held my fragile little boys hands while he went through 5 seizures in just under 30 minutes.

The docs were right there watching as well and administering medications as each happened. There are several explanations as to why, but I'll be honest, none of them make sense. I truly don't know what else we could possibly stand by and watch our precious boy go through. We have seen so much with our eyes and it has created scaring memories that I fear we will never forget. I'm scared to close my eyes for fear that those memories will play in technicolor vision and never stop. I have to ask myself, "Will we ever be free of fear and worry?" I want so desparately to believe that we are going to get through this, but it is so hard to ride this roller coaster of emotions. A good friend told me just yesterday not to forget that God is for us and He is for Connor. I want to believe that too, but once again, we see so many difficulties and hurdles to conqure that it is beginning to seem impossible.

I know you must be reading this thinking that I probably have multiple personality syndrome because one day I post with hopeful praise and the next I am a lump of nothingness at the bottom of the barrel again. I guarantee you that I am not psycho, I am hopefully just being real. My heart is breaking this evening and I can't stop it. I am worried about my baby and what more he is going to have to face on this journey and I am fearful that I cannot protect him from whatever is looming in the darkness.

Thankfully my best friend, my biggest supporter and the love of my life is on his way home early. God trully does know when I need him the most. Hurry home sweetheart, I need the safety of your arms and the strength of your embrace.

Lovebug Hugs,
Lori

PS ~ The lungs are still in bad shape....nothing new in their development today. Connor has also developed a fever. Keep praying!!!!

Littlebug helps Daddy watch out !!!!!

Dad here...just a quick story....I was flying into some not so nice territory when all the sudden what do I see in my HUD but...."Littlebug"....Yep right there with good ole Pop helping him watch out and keeping me safe.

....see there he is again on my helmet with those funny looking binocular's called NVG's....it helps good ole Pop to see at night....but Littlebug can see the best so I take him everwhere I go!!!! And tomorrow hopefully we well be heading westbound...homeward!!!!!!

Lovebug Hugs....Dad

ps.....Just talked with Lori and Littlebug is not doing so good so please pray that Connor's lungs will gain the strenght required to sustain his own breath! Thank you all for your prayers!

It's Official......

I am sad to report that today, on Connor's 9 month birthday, the official findings of the left lung show that it has definately collapsed. The docs are keeping an extra close watch on the situation and they are trying everything to spare Little Bug from going back on the ventulator. Because of the collapse, Connor is having a more difficult time moving air than he should and so his CO2 levels are pretty high. Suprisingly, he is tolerating the levels and they don't feel he is in danger at the moment. Again, they are watching him closely until he is out of the woods. There is still no word on when they may start feeding him again. Still no bowel sounds and the cathater remains in place.

On a brighter note, I hope you all got a chance to step outside today and breathe in the spectacular smells of autumn. Here in Seattle it was bright and beautiful and the leaves were brilliant in their kalidescope of color. It reminded me of days long ago in Eugene, Oregon where one of my favorite places to spend a fall afternoon was the banks of the Willamette River. The serene sound of the water, the glistening of the sun, the sound of the wind and the feel of the crunch of the leaves underneath my feet. Wow, it feels just like yesterday that I would park my car in the parking lot, walk a yard or two to my favorite place and perch myself upon a rock or a blanket for hours upon hours. Sometimes dreaming, sometimes studying, sometimes sleeping to be quite honest, but always thankful for a refreshing drink of beauty. There are times I miss those days and the innocence that they held, but I realize that those times were just a stop on my journey to becoming who I am today. There is a depth inside of my heart that is only present because of the pitstops along my path. I admit I love to go fast and do things at turbo speeds, but I am grateful that through all of life I have never lost the ability to stop along the way and find meaning, beauty and growth. I guess this is how the Lord brought me to where I am today. Have you ever really thought about that? All of the pitstops along our way have actually been stepping stones to where we currently stand. The experiences, the places and the people. Especially the people. All along our way we meet and interact with individuals who will truly shape who we become. Think about that for where you are today. The people that you brush shoulders with, have conversations with and even watch from afar will deeply affect who you will become tomorrow. Maybe this realization will make us more grateful for the people that God puts in our path. Have you ever stopped to thank someone from your past or even your present for helping you to become the person you are? May this be the day and may this be the moment that we become grateful for the people, places and experiences that have shaped our lives. I, for one, can say that I am a better woman, a more Godly woman, a more humble woman because of who God has allowed me to share the road of life with. Thank you to all who have touched my life and thank you to all who will......I am forever grateful!!!!

Lovebug Hugs,
Lori

My how life changes you.....

This picture was taken at the old historic "Mission Inn" in Riverside, CA. We used this wonderfully romantic location for an opportunity to take some engagement pictures back in November of 2003. Seems like yesterday that I fell in love with my main man!!! I love you Randy!!!


This is yet another picture at one of our favorite fountain gardens at the Inn. We actually used this photo as the cd cover for our wedding cd that many of you received at our wedding.


This was the morning after Randy proposed to me!!!! Look, we are both glowing!!!


Outside the hotel where I stayed the night Randy proposed. This was right before we flew out together to Nashville for me to attend a conference. What happy times!!!!


Randy and I taking off from our wedding reception in grand style!!!!! I still can't believe you pulled this off Randy. What a fairytale!!!!


Randy & I on our way to the summit of Mt. Whitney in California. We've had so many great adventures.



One of my first attempts at skiing when Randy & I were dating. By the looks of this picture you'd think I was a pro.......HA HA!!!


Being romantic under the mushroom at the water slides at Lake Chelan. We'll always be kids at heart.


Randy took me into a simulator during those first days of dating.....what fun to see what my pilot guy does for a living.


Tubing fun with the nieces and nephews at Confluence State Park. We may have both twisted our backs up during this trip, but it sure was fun........HIT IT!!!!!!



Tonight I was sitting next to Little Bug's bed and his little eyes were swollen shut and I had a moment of tears and I laid my head on his chest and I wondered what had happened to our life??? I began to think of all the many, many fun memories that Randy and I have shared over the past 8 years and I had to smile. I wiped away my tears and I picked up Connor's hand and grasped it in mine and I began to tell him story after story of the wonderful adventures that his daddy and I had had!! After a while, I decided to pull out the computer and look at some pictures and when I did, I knew I had to share them with all of you.

You see, Randy & I haven't always been so worried and concerned. To be honest, we were as carefree as they come. Going place to place and adventuring the world with great ease!! We've seen things that would literally take my breath away and we have done things that even our families don't believe sometimes. We laughed so much and we've enjoyed our life together. Who would have known that our life would take such a drastic change. Circumstances have a way of stopping you in your tracks and changing your direction, but one thing I have realized is that it is not bad. It is just different. Our hearts have been expanded in ways that we never thought possible and that is a miracle. Becoming parents has been the greatest adventure yet and I can honestly say that I can hardly wait to post pictures on this blog of Connor and our growing little baby in backpacks enjoying all these fun things with us. We always knew from the moment that Randy & I knew we would be husband and wife that we were meant to be a family, not just the two of us!! With Connor it made three and now with our little unborn child on the way, it will make four. Our family is growing and so are we.

It was good tonight to come to these realizations in my heart. We will not always be sad and have tears in our eyes. We will adventure again, and it is going to be fantatstic....I personally can't wait!!!!

Lovebug Hugs,
Lori

Breathing Tube Out!!!!

I am happy to report that the breathing tube is out!!! Today around 11:30am they removed Little Bug from the ventulator. This wasn't without worry though!!! It took him about 20 seconds before he would take a breath on his own and they had to bag him with the oxygen bag. It was obvious that he was either going to need the breathing tube reinserted or go directly on c-pap. They decided c-pap was ok and so he is now back on the big "elephant nose". He still hasn't been awake and he hasn't really opened up his eyes. It is so hard to see him constantly in this state of stillness (well, except when he is aggitated!!!) I told the nurses today, "It's more like waiting for Connor to come out of a comma than it is waiting for his lungs and body to heal." How I wish I could trade places with my precious son so that he wouldn't have to hurt any more!!

He is still having difficulty with his tummy. They haven't ok'd him to get back to feeding because his tummy has zero motility. There are no bowel sounds and he has now stopped peeing too. They have a cathater in to help him out and they think that this problem is due to the amounts of morphine he is on. As he begins to heal and as his body weans off the narcotics, we hope to see this get better. As I am writting this message we are waiting for X-ray to come and take a picture of his lungs. Apparently, they believe his left lung may be collapsing. My goodness, what's next???? This little guy has been through so much and he deserves a break. Keep up your prayers so that we can attest to the miracles that God is doing in this sweet child.

Thanks for all your love and prayers,
Lovebug Hugs,
Lori

PS ~ Daddy is still in Germany and was able to call us this morning. He is hoping to be home by Sunday. We miss you sweetheart. Be safe as you fly and know that you are right here in our hearts. Love you!!!!

Daddy away on a trip again!

Yep here I am again...sun rising over our big iron C-17 while getting prepared for the long trip to Ramstein Germany....
















...but as always "Littlebug" goes with me everytime. Sorry Lori I wish I could take you too but I don't think you'd fit in my bag, and as you can see in this photo "Littlebug" is very small....but...
















....he does a big job..... helping Daddy to refuel inflight!

.....and if you've ever wondered what I do while waiting for a mission at Ramstein....well here it is....the library!!! Yep I spend alot of time here reading Littlebugs blog missing my beautiful wife and wishing I was home!

Lovebug hugs...Dad

Breathing Tube Still In........

Saturday evening as they prepared Little Bug for his big day of extibation (removal of the breathing tube) they put him through a mandatory pressure test on the ventulator. After about the first hour they realized that Connor just wasn't ready to say goodbye to the breathing tube. His respiration rate went up dramatically and they decided not to push him. So, the new plan is to try another pressure test on Tuesday and see how he does. For the moment he remains sedated and resting.

Connor is also struggling through the feeding issue. He doesn't have any mobility in his tummy yet and there are no active bowel sounds. His G-Tube site is leaking horribly and they are concerned that he is not processing properly. They have dropped back to 5 cc per hour on his feeding (it had only been to 10) and they are going to see if they can't get him to start processing properly. He hasn't had a bowel movement since last Monday so they are a bit concerned that things have not started back up. The docs are keeping a close eye on the situation and hopefully we will see progress in the next couple of days.

Randy is safely in Germany and we talked with him this morning. He is awaiting his assignment of where he will travel to next. One thing we know for sure is he misses us very much and he is already counting the days until he comes back home.

I am both humbled and encouraged by the countless comments to my previous post. Thank you for giving me a soft place to land in this whirlwind of emotions. Thank you for, in return, sharing your own vulnerabilities and struggles. I/we are blessed to have so many loving and supportive friends and family in blogger land!!!! We are forever grateful!!!!

Lovebug Hugs,
Lori