Saturday, October 14, 2006

Discouraging Days....

The stillness of my 9 month old son lying in a hospital bed is beginning to haunt me. Last night after a fairly quiet day with Connor, I decided to get a good nights sleep and go to bed early. Once again, I tossed and I turned until I wore myself out about 10:30pm. I awoke abruptly at 2:10am sobbing in my sleeping room from a horrible, haunting nightmare that had capitalized on all my worst fears for Connor. Every time I tried to go back to sleep I kept seeing the same images so I drug myself out of that bed and roamed the hallways of Children's Hospital until 6:30 am when I smelled the waft of cafeteria scrambled eggs. I ate my portion of protein and I kept telling myself, "This is good for the wee little bug inside of me to grow big and strong." After finishing, I stumbled back to my sleeping room where I surrendered myself to a few hours of sleep. The phone rang a little after 9:30am and I heard Randy's voice on the other end of the line. He was still in Germany but they were just waiting for the bus to pick them up to go to the airplane. Hopefully he will be home late Sunday night or Monday morning.

Yesterday and today have been very still and quiet days for Little Bug. He is heavily sedated so he is motionless and silent. He has been running a high fever which today they found out was from the cathater that he has had in place. They removed that to find that he has a urinary tract infection and they are now treating him with the proper antibiotics. He had broke the fever this morning after his bath with nurse Amy, but then around 4pm he started climbing again and when I left him minutes ago it was around 103 degrees again. They've sent more blood cultures to see if there may be another infection in his body but there are no results yet. His lungs seem to be sounding a bit more clear, but because of the ventulator settings he doesn't really have the drive or the push to take a breath on his own. The breathing tube will remain in until at least Tuesday and then they will reevaluate. They are planning to do a Bronchoscopy on Monday to check and see if he is having any airway difficulty which is making it hard for his lungs to heal. They admit this is a shot in the dark, but it's worth a try. I'll keep you posted on their findings!!!

Well, I'm off for another try at getting a good nights rest. If I could be specific with my request tonight, I would ask that you pray for me that the discouragement would lift and the looming darkness that I sense around me would be banished. As always please pray for Randy's safe return and for our Little Bug to be healthy and whole. Thanks!!!

Lord, please shine your light of truth on my doubts and give me hope once again. Amen.

Lovebug Hugs,
Lori

18 comments:

Bug said...

Lori it sounds like you have had a very rough morning/day... When you awake with those fears look at one of your photos of bug from when you guys were home, like the tummy time one! Thoughts are just that thoughts and your bug will find his light out of the darkness, and his mommy and daddy will be there waiting for him with open arms! I Love You and I hope and Pray that you, Randy and Connor have a good nights rest and that Randy is there with you soon :) Big Bug Hugs Sheila

Anonymous said...

There's an old hymn that you are probably familiar with called "Wonderful Peace" and this is my prayer for you tonight.
Far away in the depths of my spirit tonight, rolls a melody sweeter than psalm; In celestial like strains it unceasingly falls, o're my soul like an infinite calm.
Chorus: Peace! Peace! Wonderful peace, Coming down from the Father above: Sweep over my spirit forever, I pray, In fathamless billows of love.

May you sense that wonderful peace as you lay your head on your pillow and experience calm, peaceful, and dreamless sleep, in Jesus Name!

Aunt Teresa said...

We are here PRAYING!! We Love you. Teresa, Ted, Chloe, Emma & Jake.

Pogreba's said...

A long time ago someone told me that discouragement always sets in before God does something wonderful. It is true that as long as we are discouraged we can't sense when God moves. Lori this long battle of your precious son has also been a long battle for you and Randy. You are all tired but you are not defeated. Praying for you to once again know joy and peace and for the storm clouds in your heart to lift to a beautiful tomorrow.

Richele & Nick

Anonymous said...

We continue to pray for your family, strength for you as you wait to hear good news, safe travels for your husband and most of all, for the health of your precious child!
---Yvette/IA

Anonymous said...

Lori,
You don't know me, but I am a friend of Pat's, Maureens Mom, and I have followed your Little Bugs health since the beginning. You all have been in my prayers and I will keep you there. I went to 5:oo
Mass this evening, and made sure that special prayers were said for Conner, tou, Randy and the Expected one. Sleep good tonight,
and and May God's angels guard you throug the night and may tomorrow be better.
---Prayers, Dixie Ann J

Anonymous said...

Lori,
We will continue to pray. Jesus, we lift Lori up to you, give her a peaceful nights rest tonight. Lord, give her peaceful dreams, and multiply her sleep that she may wake up feeling well rested in the morning. Lord let her see the light at the end of the tunnel and let tomorrow be a new day with great news of Connor's progress. These things we ask in the name of Jesus. AMEN!
Love,
Sue & family

Anonymous said...

Lord, I can not but help remember what seemed like not too long ago when Connor had a very risky heart surgery and how amazed that we all were of his quick recovery! He was out of that hosp. much sooner than expected and we knew it was only because of your miracle once again touching his precious life. So I ask Lord that we can experience that same extreme turn around once again for this little "overcomer!" I also ask tonight for YOUR words of wisdom to be spoken into Lori's heart tonight as she sleeps. We come against every evil thought and over every ounce of fear and discouragement in the NAME OF JESUS! She truly is your precious daughter and would you please hold her tonight as she curls up once again in that sleeping closett and let her know that YOU are with her nd that she is NOT alone. Please bring Randy home soon and safe.
Amen
Tammy

Anonymous said...

Lori,
My heart goes out to you. I pray for you, Randy, and Little Bug all the time. You guys are constantly on my mind and I believe there is God's will happening here. Take care and sweet dreams. My friend Rashel says she is praying for all of you as well and she's been keeping up with the blog. Her heart goes out to you as well.
God Bless
Tia

Cookie said...

Lori, have been anxiously checking back in for some news of your sweet boy. Know that he, and all of you are in the hearts and minds of many many people. I'll send up a prayer for some peace of mind for you, and an extra for Randy's safe return. TCOY Jan/ME

Anonymous said...

Lori & Randy,

We will be asking for prayer this morning in church you Connor. Know that an army of people are interceding on your guys' behalf. Love, Teresa

Anonymous said...

Dear Lori,
These are indeed very hard days. I echo everything that has been written by all your dear friends in my desires for return to health for baby Connor. I am also a sister in Christ and hold you and your family up to the Father. I know someone mentioned this to you earlier, but I wanted to encourage you to perhaps seek a bit of counsel if you feel you can. Our son was quite ill as an infant, not anything like you're going through, but still critical for a time. I held it all in and looked from the outside like I was doing well. Apparently my insides weren't doing as well as I thought! Years later I totally collapsed into depression and anxiety and when I finally did allow help (of course many other factors came into play), it turned out that I was suffering from post traumatic stress. I wish I had known earlier that it was OK not to be the strong, with-it Mom that I was showing to the world. I don't mention this to frighten you, but just as someone who walked a somewhat similar road. All of your emotions are very appropriate...you are a strong, Godly woman...but it's OK to seek counsel if you feel it would be helpful.
Your friend "Up North",
Jen Otto

Anonymous said...

Dear Lori,
I understand that the feelings of darkness are overwhelming. Try to remember that these thoughts are not you, they do not define you - try not to fight them, just let them come, observe them and let them go. These feelings WILL pass, and there are brighter days ahead, without a doubt.
I hope you and Randy are together very soon,
Love Heidi

the haners said...

At our Senior Connection kickoff last night at Everett New Life Center, our Pastoral Care Pastor, Mary Ann shared during a time when she was in a time of transition and the unknown, when she happened to look at a wall hanging that had "trust" in it and the Lord gave her this acrostic:
T-enderly
R-elying
U-pon the
S-avior's
T-iming
May this speak comfort and peace to your heart during this time of waiting. . . . .
You, Randy, and little bug are in our hearts and prayers.

Judy

Susie - Maggie's Mom said...

Lori, I hope you got some rest today after your long night and I hope Connor had a quiet day of rest. Hopefully you will sleep peacefully tonight. My prayer is for you to get the sleep you need. Hopefully the start of the week will bring new information about little bug and the doctors will see something new that will help him. Susie.

Anonymous said...

Lori and Randy...I trust Gods word for you is spoken in Psalms 71:19-21."Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again: from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." Gods breath will breath new freshness into you, I love you guys so much.

Tammee, Michael's Mom said...

Lord, please lift Lori's spirits and embrass her with your loving arms. Cast away the devil who is trying to tear down their hope and spirit. You are a great God and you are walking with them through this trying time. Please bring back Randy safely and place your healing hands on Conner. AMEN.
we love you!
Tammee, Howard, Austin and Angel Michael

Anonymous said...

Lori,

I have been so busy with my daughters wedding this is the first time I have had time to post a message.

Little Connor and you all have still been on my mind regardless how busy I have been.

Many good thoughts and prayers for you all.
God Bless little Connor.
Cheryl