Alarms, Alarms...Everything I hear is alarms!!!!

I realized today that a significant source of stress for me is the sound of alarms. I'm sure that all of you out there in blogger land that have children are blessed with going into your sweethearts room first thing in the morning and seeing a sleeping angel. Maybe you hear snoars (how cute are little one's snoars??!!), or giggles because they're already awake, or for that matter you may hear nothing at all but the sweet purr of your angels breathing.

This morning when I entered the doorway to the ICU I could hear my little bug screaming with all his might. When I walked into his room I took a moment to just listen. I listened with my ears and then I listened with my heart. My ears heard the alarms of the c-pap machine that did not have a proper seal on Connor's nose so the pressure was escaping through his mouth and the sides of his nose. My ears also heard the alarms of the heart rate monitor that was up into the 180's (too high!!!) and the respitory rate monitor that was up in the 80's (again, way too high!). If that wasn't enough the oxygen saturation monitor went into destat mode because Connor's oxygen was in the 70's. During the next minute or so the feeding monitor alarmed because there was a kink in the tube and then one of the IV machines alarmed "Infusion Complete."

During the fuss of the doctors and nurses to try and figure out what was going on, my heart took a minute to listen to the sounds in the room. My heart heard nothing but the sound of Connor's heart saying, "Mama, why can't we go home?" "All these alarms are scaring me Mama!" "Mama, why can't you just pick me up?" "Mama, I miss Daddy!!" "Mama, why do I have to be sick?" And for a moment, just a split second, I wanted to single handedly take out every doctor and nurse with my bare hands. I wanted to rip every tube and probe and cord off of Connor's body and scoop him up and run as fast as I could anywhere but here. I realized at that second that my frustration was not that Connor was sick, but that "I" couldn't be the one to figure out what was wrong and fix it. Isn't that what we've heard all along, "Oh, it's OK, Mama will fix it, Mama will make you feel better." Or, "It's OK, Daddy's here, don't worry, I'll make everything better." Today the lights came on for me when I realized that my true struggle here is with trust. I have to learn to trust the doctors and nurses with Connor's care. I have to trust that they are understanding his difficulties correctly so they can help make him better. I have to trust that there are kind and loving hands constantly encompassing our little bug.

More than anything I have to trust that God knows the pain that we are in watching Connor struggle. I have to trust God with our son!!! In fact, not only do I have to trust Him with Connor, but I have to release him to God and allow Him to be the Great Physician in Connor's life. I guess as a new mama the only thing I know is that I want to hold Connor tightly. I don't want for anything to hurt him or for anyone to have access to him that haven't gone through us first. I want to protect him from everything and shelter him from the arsenal of assults that life throws his way. You see none of those things involves release at all. All of them require Connor being close to us at all times. But God, in His infinite grace and compassion for us is asking us to loosen our grip and allow Him to have full and total access to Connor. WOW, is that ever hard!!!!! Full and total access requires letting go. Full and total access requires extreme vulnerability on my part.

I am having a difficult time letting go and letting God have his way with things. I think I'm a control freak. Yes, it's true, I'm actually admitting it (don't hold it against me PLEASE!), I want to control our situation here. Maybe that's why, when I hear those alarms going off, I reach for the remedy's that I have learned around here to make them stop. I don't trust that the nurses will be in fast enough so I don't leave Connor's side. Oh God, why are you asking me to give up my grip on all of this? Maybe this is more a lesson in me learning how to trust God with everything. I am reminded of the scripture that says, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and do not lean on your own understand. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will give you the desires of your heart." The desire of our hearts is to see Connor whole!!! To see him healed in Jesus name and to see him come home and grow and live and play. I must release my grip so that God can come into our situation and heal us ALL from the inside out!!!

Needless to say this morning was a difficult morning for Connor. After his episode in the morning hours, he settled for a bit and got some rest (morphine induced rest, but rest none the least). Once afternoon came, he repeated the same cycle, except this time it involved an x-ray and 5 attempts at drawing blood, none of which were successful so they gave up. Once again, morphine was used to bring him to a realaxed and sleepy state, and that is where he remains at the moment.

The sounds of alarms are everywhere. For us, we hear them all the time. For you they may be different, but they are still there. God will get our attention any way He can to encourage us to trust Him more. When we take control of the situation, it's like me when I silence those alarms in Connor's room because they drive me crazy. But when God silences the alarm He brings healing. Would you help me be accountable to letting God be the Great Physician and the silencer of all the alarms? Maybe it's possible that God wants to teach us all a lesson in trust. Whatever your personal alarm is, I hope you will listen to it with your ears and with your heart.

Lovebug Hugs,
Lori