Monday, April 03, 2006

Alarms, Alarms...Everything I hear is alarms!!!!

I realized today that a significant source of stress for me is the sound of alarms. I'm sure that all of you out there in blogger land that have children are blessed with going into your sweethearts room first thing in the morning and seeing a sleeping angel. Maybe you hear snoars (how cute are little one's snoars??!!), or giggles because they're already awake, or for that matter you may hear nothing at all but the sweet purr of your angels breathing.

This morning when I entered the doorway to the ICU I could hear my little bug screaming with all his might. When I walked into his room I took a moment to just listen. I listened with my ears and then I listened with my heart. My ears heard the alarms of the c-pap machine that did not have a proper seal on Connor's nose so the pressure was escaping through his mouth and the sides of his nose. My ears also heard the alarms of the heart rate monitor that was up into the 180's (too high!!!) and the respitory rate monitor that was up in the 80's (again, way too high!). If that wasn't enough the oxygen saturation monitor went into destat mode because Connor's oxygen was in the 70's. During the next minute or so the feeding monitor alarmed because there was a kink in the tube and then one of the IV machines alarmed "Infusion Complete."

During the fuss of the doctors and nurses to try and figure out what was going on, my heart took a minute to listen to the sounds in the room. My heart heard nothing but the sound of Connor's heart saying, "Mama, why can't we go home?" "All these alarms are scaring me Mama!" "Mama, why can't you just pick me up?" "Mama, I miss Daddy!!" "Mama, why do I have to be sick?" And for a moment, just a split second, I wanted to single handedly take out every doctor and nurse with my bare hands. I wanted to rip every tube and probe and cord off of Connor's body and scoop him up and run as fast as I could anywhere but here. I realized at that second that my frustration was not that Connor was sick, but that "I" couldn't be the one to figure out what was wrong and fix it. Isn't that what we've heard all along, "Oh, it's OK, Mama will fix it, Mama will make you feel better." Or, "It's OK, Daddy's here, don't worry, I'll make everything better." Today the lights came on for me when I realized that my true struggle here is with trust. I have to learn to trust the doctors and nurses with Connor's care. I have to trust that they are understanding his difficulties correctly so they can help make him better. I have to trust that there are kind and loving hands constantly encompassing our little bug.

More than anything I have to trust that God knows the pain that we are in watching Connor struggle. I have to trust God with our son!!! In fact, not only do I have to trust Him with Connor, but I have to release him to God and allow Him to be the Great Physician in Connor's life. I guess as a new mama the only thing I know is that I want to hold Connor tightly. I don't want for anything to hurt him or for anyone to have access to him that haven't gone through us first. I want to protect him from everything and shelter him from the arsenal of assults that life throws his way. You see none of those things involves release at all. All of them require Connor being close to us at all times. But God, in His infinite grace and compassion for us is asking us to loosen our grip and allow Him to have full and total access to Connor. WOW, is that ever hard!!!!! Full and total access requires letting go. Full and total access requires extreme vulnerability on my part.

I am having a difficult time letting go and letting God have his way with things. I think I'm a control freak. Yes, it's true, I'm actually admitting it (don't hold it against me PLEASE!), I want to control our situation here. Maybe that's why, when I hear those alarms going off, I reach for the remedy's that I have learned around here to make them stop. I don't trust that the nurses will be in fast enough so I don't leave Connor's side. Oh God, why are you asking me to give up my grip on all of this? Maybe this is more a lesson in me learning how to trust God with everything. I am reminded of the scripture that says, "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and do not lean on your own understand. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will give you the desires of your heart." The desire of our hearts is to see Connor whole!!! To see him healed in Jesus name and to see him come home and grow and live and play. I must release my grip so that God can come into our situation and heal us ALL from the inside out!!!

Needless to say this morning was a difficult morning for Connor. After his episode in the morning hours, he settled for a bit and got some rest (morphine induced rest, but rest none the least). Once afternoon came, he repeated the same cycle, except this time it involved an x-ray and 5 attempts at drawing blood, none of which were successful so they gave up. Once again, morphine was used to bring him to a realaxed and sleepy state, and that is where he remains at the moment.

The sounds of alarms are everywhere. For us, we hear them all the time. For you they may be different, but they are still there. God will get our attention any way He can to encourage us to trust Him more. When we take control of the situation, it's like me when I silence those alarms in Connor's room because they drive me crazy. But when God silences the alarm He brings healing. Would you help me be accountable to letting God be the Great Physician and the silencer of all the alarms? Maybe it's possible that God wants to teach us all a lesson in trust. Whatever your personal alarm is, I hope you will listen to it with your ears and with your heart.

Lovebug Hugs,
Lori

4 comments:

Heather Bennett said...

My dear Lori,
So many of our conversations are coming back to my mind. How hard it is to release our little precious ones to anyone else, even God. Surely, we as mommy know the best way to calm them and care for them, or so we think. I so often have to remember that God created my little ones and he cares for them better than I ever could dream of. He knows their innermost being in a way that I never will.

I remember one conversation we had when I shared something with you. A struggle I had myself with one of my little ones. What I found in that situation was that I struggled and tormented until one day I finally RELEASED my little one to God. TOTALLY released! God, whatever you want with my little one's life, you do it. I can't describe the peace that came after that. Suddenly the struggle and torment ceased. Just confidence in God remained.

It is so hard, but release. One song says, "What hights of love, what depths of peace, when storms are calmed, when strivings cease."

I will be praying that that peace of God floods over you as you rest this evening. Truly floods your heart and soul. When alarms go off, look to God.

I will pray that the doctors will have the wisdom that comes from God alone in treating little Connor. I will pray that Connor rests in perfect peace, all on his own.

I will pray for strength for the two of you as you prepare for Randy's upcoming trip.

I will pray for Randy's strength and safe return as well.

I love you all. And remember, though it is hard to imagine, God loves little Connor so much more than even you could ever imagine loving him. Trust Him.

Heather B.

Dad and Mom said...

Dear Lori,
Thank you so much for calling and being so honest in telling me about today. You and Connor and Randy are so much in our prayers and we know you know that without even saying a word.

Earlier today a verse kept going through my mind and now I understand why...it's from Psalms46:10 Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord of hosts is with(Connor and you and Randy) The God of Jacob is our stronghold.

Lori we too need to totally trust the Lord for each of you. You have said so many things that are so true and honest. Sometimes I wish you were still a little girl when we would lay in bed late at night and solve so many problems, but now you are a mama and God is holding you and helping you to see that you need to trust Him and just like your friend Heather said God loves Connor so much more than we could ever think.

God's word brings so much comfort and there were two other verses that I wanted to tell you one from Deuteronomy 33:(last part of verse 25)as your day so shall your strength, your rest and security, be.(amplified) oh we pray that for each of you. Also Deut.33:12 Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in Him, for He shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between His shoulders. Oh Lori isn't that a wonderful picture? Think of those verses when you go to bed and know that God is holding Connor and you and Randy in His hands, like it says too underneath are the everlasting arms.

Lori no matter how old your children get you always feel like you're tucking them into bed the only thing that's different is we tuck them in with prayer.

We pray for God's presence to fill Connor's room and to be close to the nurses as they care for him through the night.

WE love you Dad and Mom XOXOXOXOXO

Auntie Heather Milliren said...

Lori~

Oh, how you, Randy and Connor have been on my mind and heart today. Well, everyday. But, so much more today--thus the phone message.

After reading today's "bug blog" I now know why. Oh, my sister-in-heart, I don't have any answers for you as to why all of this is happening to Connor. I, too, want to drive down to Children's and "kidnap" the three of you. But, THANK THE LORD, that you took Connor to Children's when you did. Yes, you went there because of a high fever. You didn't anticipate this long of a stay. I praise the Lord that Children's is so close to your home and your family and friends. Please depend on us to be helpful to you, Randy and Connor. We are the body of Christ and we want to help.

Today, Olivia asked me to play the Family Life "I Still Do" CD from Mom and Dad. It is filled with such wonderful songs meant for two people in love within the confines of marriage. However, each song touched me in such a special way as I prayed for you and thought of our little bug at Children's.

I wanted to share the words of "Be Thou My Vision" and remind you of the Women of Faith Conference in October. Wasn't it awesome to hear so many sisters-in-faith sing their hearts out to the Lord? But, after reading tonight's blog entries I thought the words to "I Will Rise Up" would be more appropriate for you. I know that this is what you are already doing. So let the following words serve as an confirmation and an encouragement to you that you are truly in the presence of the Mighty Healer.

"I Will Rise Up"

You're calling me to a deeper place
You're calling me to come away
This is the day that You have made
To walk in Your love
And Your grace
And I will sing to You, my King
Forever and ever

I will rise up
And worship Your holiness
I will sing a song
Of Your faithfulness
On the mountains
Through the valleys
Your love will be my peace
And I will sing of Your love for me

I will rise up and worship You
Worship You
I will rise up and worship You
Worship You
I will rise up and worship You
Worship You

(Copyright 1997 Doulos Publishing)

Goodnight my sister-in-heart. Take care to let go and let God have His healing way with Connor. Yes, this is easier said than done. But, we both know that He did not make a mistake when He formed Connor in your womb.

I love you! Please give Randy and Connor my love, too.

Love,

Connor's Auntie Heather

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