I have realized that being a new mama brings out many new emotions that I have never had before. Add to that a hospital experience with a sick baby and it calls for some really grumpy days. Quite honestly that is where I am at!!!! It started late Thursday night when Connor went into yet another one of his fits of rage with screaming and crying at decimals that I'm sure dogs should only be able to hear, but we experienced every second of it. Once again they called for more blood cultures and his temp spiked again. What a cycle this precious boy is experiencing!! This morning when Randy and I spent time with him together he seemed to be doing fine and then when we walked back in from lunch, there it was again....the nasty cycle repeating itself. Quickly, Connor received the morphine and adovan right away and he fell off to sleep. Randy has been insisting that I get out of this hospital and so we went out for a few hours. I normally LOVE walking around Costco and seeing all the new things and just looking around. Today I found myself lost!!! I wasn't happy to be gone from the hospital. I wasn't happy to be at Costco. I wasn't even happy to smell fresh air. I was grumpy and irritable and just plain awful!! This blog has given me the opportunity to be very honest with not only our little bugs journey but with ours as well. I really don't have the ability to lie and say that I learned some profound lesson today or that I experienced an eye opening moment. What should have been a nice afternoon with Randy ended up to be disasterous!! Uuuggghhh!!! Do you ever feel that you've become the worst version of yourself??? I think I found mine today. I'm quite sure that I should go back and ask forgiveness of everyone I've come into contact with today because my mood and my attitude have been rotten.
It's 11:30pm now and I've just left Connor's room. The IV team has just left after taking blood cultures out of one the veins on his head. This was the first time that I actually stayed in to watch this and I actually helped keep him still. I just can't believe all that this child has had to endure. He's a fighter, yes he is, but who wouldn't be if someone kept sticking needles into your body. I'm sure he's probably wondering if there is any sacred place on his little body that is a safe zone....free from pain and free from pokes!!!! I'm even beginning to wonder myself!!
I hope we are entitled to a better day tomorrow. I'm off to bed in the trailer and I hope I can sleep off this attitude and be a better wife and mama in the morning. Dear Lord, Please forgive my grumpiness and renew my heart and mind as I sleep. Take away my doubts and my unbelief that you are working on our behalf and replace my wonderings with joy once again. AMEN!!
Goodnight & Lovebug Hugs,
Lori
12 comments:
Lori,
I am sorry to hear that you had such an awful day but I must say that if anyone is entitled to one of those days......YOU ARE!! You have to be honest and real with yourself which you are doing. You will go through stages of anger, depression, irritability and doubt and so forth. But the good news is you do not STAY there! You know the truth and you have the strength that comes from God. You know how to get "Godly perspective" and come back to that healthy place. You are a fighter and overcomer! We all keep saying that Connor is an overcomer and fighter but he got that from you! You have been a missionary on that floor in ICU and other places and so is connor already, even touching lives out of this state. Yesterday at bible study I sharred your alarm parallel and used it to challenges the ladies - I will tell you more in detail about that later but think how you have been an inspiration to people you have not even met. Well I appreciate your honesty and we will pray for a better day for you tomarrow. Try to get some rest and do not be too hard on yourself, you can only take so much but God will not give you more than you can bare- WOW!
Love
Tammy
Good Morning Lori and Randy and precious Connor,
Last night I checked the computer alittle after 11 and there was still no message so I went to bed. I couldn't sleep so got up again just before midnight because you were all so much on my heart. When I saw your message I realized you were writing it when I checked the first time. Oh Lori words can't even express what a person would want to write because as a mother we want to always make things better it seems like our thoughts keep going back to the other day asking the Lord to help you trust. All through the night I kept thinking in the Psalms where it says Hear my cry oh Lord never never forget that He does hear our cry He hears it shouting or He hears it in a whisper He will never leave you or forsake you, in Psalms 71:12 it says O God, do not be far from me; O my God, hasten to my help.
We pray so much for Connor and all that his little body is going through we can't even comprehend it but we know he is in God's hands and His hands are stronger than anyone. Oh Lord we pray that Randy and Lori and Connor feel your hands and arms around them every minute today pour into them your strength, your peace, your comfort and your trust oh Lord we ask this in your strong name.
We love you so much give Connor huge hugs and kisses on his little checks from grandpa and grandma.
Love Dad and Mom XOXOXOXOXOXO
I think you're entitled to a little grumpiness! I've only just started reading your blog, but with all you and Connor have been going through since his birth I think it's only natural to have those feelings. Praying for a better day tomorrow for you and Connor.
Lori,
It is now Saturday morning and I do pray you have awaken with the ability to see some joy in this day. Jesus understands your frustraions, emothions and fears. It is physically, spiritually, and emotionally healthy for you to be honest with yourself each day as this battle continues. The fact that you can admit these feelings shows you maturity in the Lord. After all the bible does teach us not to lie.
Pryaing for a better day for you, Randy, your family and especially for Connor.
Richele
Dear Lori,
Everyone understands. You do not need to apologize to anyone. You are 100% entitled to fits of grumpiness and anger--you would not be human if you didn't feel that way at times when going through this rollercoaster journey. You have been absolutely superhuman in dealing with all that is thrown your way, but remember, even superheroes can have occasional weaknesses (Kryptonite for Superman).
So consider yesterday as if you were Superwoman, the ICU was Lex Luthor, and the blood infection causing Connor's screaming was Kryptonite. You escaped "Lex Luthor" and the "kryptonite" and recharged in your "Fortress of Solitude" (Costco)--ok, I know--you're never alone in Costco.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you deserved a few moments (or weeks, for that matter) of grumpiness/anger, and your Superwoman support team (including Randy as Lois Lane?) is there for you NO MATTER WHAT.
Love and Prayers
Gregg
Good Morning,
I hope you are waking up with a heart filled with hope, because this is a new day and His mercies are new every morning and they are for you.
One day when I felt I had really blown it with my kids (homeschool wise) I prayed and the Lord gave me this verse. "I lift my eyes up to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." We do our best, but often we act like humans! I'm so glad that the creator of all things is the one who will give us help.
That verse continues on to say, "He will not let your foot slip-He who watches over you will not slumber..." Isn't that wonderful. When you fall into bed completely depleted, God does not slumber,but instead pulls the night shift for you with little bug and He also renews your spirit.
I will come see you as soon as you give me a jingle to let me know it is a good time for a visitor.
I love you sister, and I'm so glad that I can blog you now (that sounded bad, I don't know what blog means!)I think you need me to come make you laugh. That always has been one of our specialties!
Jacqueline
Good Morning to my favorite niece,
Words really can't express the feelings we have. Know this for sure that you, Randy, and precious Connor are in our prayers constantly. I trust in the LORD that he is going to allow Connor and I to break in the mitt together some day. Continue to trust. I love you a ton.
Uncle Randy
Transparency makes us vulnerable and relatable, giving freedom to so many who have been locked with the same emotions and never finding an outlet to express. Again, you continue to give good gifts as you blog. Keep on blogging - the world needs honest people such as yourself. Love, Shawn
Dag blast it! Why do our pesky evil twins continue to bother us at the most inconvienent times? Sheesh! When mine comes around I just claim to not know her.
Better times are ahead! Hey, at least you didn't overspend at Costco.
In your corner,
Ruthie
Lori,
I have no words of wisdom to share with you because quite frankly I am not very wise!! I could feel your frustration last night and I hope I didn't say anything to add to it. I hope you feel safe with me. I hope youfeel you can vent anytime you need to. Larry told you how grumpy I get and of course he blamed it on those three magic letters PMS! Oh well, at least it has an identity!! And speaking of grumpiness I think you left it here last night because my boys just got an earful from me...they also want to know if you want it back!! Just kidding! They love you and so do I! If anyone deserves to lose it, it's you...and you do it with such grace and dignity.
Give Connor a love from us.
By the way, what your friend Ruthie said(above me) is priceless. Those words are from a very wise woman...hang on to them!
Love, Maureen
PS I heard Abbey was doing great at her doggie test today! Be sure to share that with Connor! He loves his doggie too!
I LOVE YOU LORI! I MISS YOU, PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHEN I CAN COME AND SEE YOU. I DON'T WANT TO DISTRACT OR IMPOSE, BUT I JUST CAN'T WAIT MUCH LONGER. THE FRUSTRATIONS AND PAIN YOU SHARED ONLY INTENSIFY MY PRAYERS FOR YOU GUYS! I WILL NOW ADD A RENEWED ENERGY TO MY PRAYERS FOR YOU & RANDY. GIVE A LOVEBUG HUG TO CONNER FOR ME!
LOVE,
ANDREA
Dear Lori,
What a remarkable, beautiful woman you are! Thank you for being so real. I'm glad you were able to get that junk & all your those icky feelings out. If you had not voiced them and removed them from your insides, they'd still be inside and festering. You allowed God entrance to a very difficult place, and I know He will replace them with hope (enough to continue on). It's so amazing to me all the good that this blog site is doing! Thanks to your Dad, I was instructed enough to be able to finally make my own comment to you!
You cannot know how touched & inspired I have been reading your thoughts about each day, as well as the comments made by familly, friends, and even loving people you have not even met -- amazing!
I hope you had a better day today.
May He bless you, Randy, and Connor much. Tomorrow is His day, and I pray that it will be an uplifting day for all of you. I love you much!
Love,
Karin
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