Tuesday, March 21, 2006

A hand to hold...

This morning when I entered Connor’s room at 7:30am he was having a wide awake moment. His eyes were bright and cheery and I just know if he could talk, he would have said, “Good Morning Mama” with a giggle in his voice. His little hands were swaying to and fro and his chubby looking legs were kickin’ away. What joy I felt to see Connor doing some normal, daily activities. We haven’t seen him squirm around for so many days; it was nice to see movement. As I always do, I stepped up on a little stool so I could look at Connor from the top since he’s in that great big bed. I lovingly rubbed his cute little head in a circular motion and normally it calms him down or puts him to sleep. Today was different…..Today, right when I touched his head he had a hand reflex that made his little hand reach out and grasp my finger. We’ve held hands a lot, Connor and I, but today, he initiated it.

Wow, what a rush of emotions that ran through me at that moment. It reminded me of that first time that Randy reached over and held my hand. We were at a dinner theater in Denver, CO and I remember his cute, coy way of scooting real close and placing his hand upon mine. Oh how I wanted to jump for joy at that very second, but I felt I needed to play it cool as not to scare him off. I also remember wanting that play to last FOREVER so we would never have to let go. And now, I have his hand to hold for all of time and we have created another hand to be held by us forever and ever.
There really is something to be said about skin to skin contact. I naturally find myself wanting to kiss and rub and softly run my cheek over Connor all the time. It gives me goose bumps to feel his little movements and to smell his little baby skin (however, right now he needs a bath Really Bad!!!) How great it is that God created us to need contact with each other. I know the first 2 weeks of being here without Randy I longed for his touch and his presence by my side. The day he returned to us, I met him at the hospital’s Giraffe entrance and we began our walk to Connor’s room. It didn’t take him long and he reached out and grasped my hand and, finally, we had contact. There really is something intimate about touch. It speaks words to the heart that the mouth could never say. It touches deep within us to give us the strength and courage we need for the moment. Amazing isn’t it? All of that in just a simple touch.

I have had many hands to hold in our journey. Many of your hands have held mine and I am forever grateful to have had you by my side. I think of Maureen and Jacqueline and Kathy and Mom (R.) on that first scary day in the ICU when we could have lost Connor. Your hands gave me strength. I think of Mom (M.) during our first 3 days here at Children’s and she stayed with me and held my hand when Randy had to be away. Thanks Mom, you gave me courage. I think of Bryan (my brother) who was by my side for visits and always took a moment to reach his hand out to mine. Thanks Bryan, you have such a tender heart toward us and towards Connor. I think of my sisters Kathy, Marsha, Lynette, Teresa, Maureen & Kathy who have all taken time to come and hold my hand. You gals are a source of joy to my heart, Thank you!! My sister Heather has held my hand over the phone and in so many touching comments and emails. She has taken time to capture the true heart of love by being forever constant in her correspondence. Our dads have even stretched out their big, strong, rugged, work stained hands to lay upon us in prayer. Thank you for your ever-vigilant expressions of faith. I think also of our pastor’s who have by phone and in person been a hand of love and who have been the hands of God to us. Thanks Pastor Don for your many visits and Pastor David for your phone contact. I especially think of Randy, my husband, my love and my partner in life. Your strong hands have reached in to bring comfort, love and joy to me in this difficult time for us. Watching you place your hands on Connor is such a joy to watch. You tickle and touch him like no one else can. Thank you for your devotion to us. You are the greatest husband in the whole wide universe, and I love you all the way to the moon and back again!!! Lastly, and really most importantly, I think of our tender-loving Heavenly Father. His hands have cradled us, wiped the tears from our eyes, held us up when otherwise we would fall, and He has led us with unwavering direction & guidance in our journey with our “little bug”. Just like I wrote yesterday, I don’t know how it is that God can completely care for each one of His children all at the same time, but He does! We know that our journey is not the only thing on God’s mind. You too, have concerns and requests that you are bringing before the throne. But this we do know, we are all important to Him and He takes great delight in all of us, His children. He is able to take us all through the specific needs in our lives with His gentle and loving hands. We thank God that He is the Deliverer and the Rescuer of our souls. We are grateful for our salvation and for God’s presence with us.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that you are all blessings to us!!! Whether far or near, you have reached out your hands to us and we are forever grateful. Your touches of love are penetrating us!! I hope that we, in some way through this blog, are reaching out to all of you in return to hold your hands by our hearts.
I will leave you this morning with this one question…Who’s hand are you holding?
Lovebug Hugs,

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