Sunday, March 19, 2006

Sunday Evening Introspection


Mama looking into the eyes of her little bug and talking about better days ahead in the "Promised Land" (read below!!)


A view of our little bug with eyes wide open earlier today. Ventalator still in along with decompression tube in his nose that drains the air from his tummy.


Good Evening Faithful Bloggers ~

Today was another day of sedation for Connor. It is so hard, as his parents, to watch him in such stillness, but yet we know that God is healing him in that quietness as well. There were two times today that he opened up his eyes wide to see us. He was still on pretty heavy medication so we are quite sure that he wasn’t really cognoscente of seeing us, but to Randy and I it felt like a small gift just to talk with him and love him with his eyes looking in our direction.

It’s amazing what I see in those precious eyes of his. I see the beauty of concentration as he studies the shapes and colors and faces around him. It is always so fascinating to see the wonder in a child’s eyes, but when it is your own child it takes on a brand new meaning. I realize that Connor is wondering about “his” world, about “his” parents, and about his experience in this very hospital. And then I wonder…..Will he remember these white walls? Will he remember the smells of alcohol and sterilized tools? Will he recall the nurses’ faces that have cared for him? Will he remember that his mama was holding his hand? Will he remember the numerous pokes on his body that have caused him pain? Will he remember our voices whispering “I love you soooo much little bug”? Will he remember our bedtime prayers and stories?

There are so many feelings and questions that come to mind as I sit and let myself truly reflect on our journey thus far. There is so much spiritual significance to what we are going through that sometimes the parallels are frightening because I wonder what God might ask of us next. Just the other day when Connor went into surgery, my dear friend Jacqueline was here and she reminded me of the story of Abraham. When God called Abraham to go “to a land that I will show you” that was a pretty vague directive. There were a lot of questions in Abrahams mind, but what we see in God’s word is that Abraham was obedient. Did he have struggles along the way? You bet he did! Did he question God? He sure did! But what is so significant about the “journey” that Abraham and the people of Israel went on is that it led them to the Promised Land! I feel that this is what God is showing Randy and me about our journey. By faith we are walking day to day in a direction to a land that we don’t know. We have no idea how long it will take us and what detours we may have to take along the way. At times (most of the time) we don’t even feel like we have a map to get there, but one thing we do know….GOD IS FAITHFUL!! He will lead us to the Promised Land. How excited my heart gets to think about what the Promised Land is going to be like with our precious little bug. I’m sure we will run & play, and giggle & laugh, and hug & kiss, and learn & grow. But right now, we must heal first and gain strength for the next leg of the journey. Healing takes time, and healing takes patience and we must surrender ourselves to the process. Connor’s healing is coming to us in waves that we did not expect. We did not expect to be hospitalized and we did not expect to have such a medical experience these first weeks of his life, but this was intended on our map for our journey. I don’t think we can fully appreciate yet, exactly what God is doing and what he is showing us. But, we are trying desperately to make ourselves available to the Lord and to His plan for Connor and for us as a family.

Another spiritual parallel I see happened on Friday night, actually Saturday morning at 1am when the phone in our room rang and we were asked to come to Connor’s room immediately. When we arrived we were told that Connor had lost more blood in surgery than expected and he was in need of a blood transfusion. This threw us a little for a loop because we weren’t expecting it. After signing the consent forms they had to put an IV line in the top of Connor’s head because there were no other veins available. He received his blood transfusion over about a two hour time period. When we came back to bed, I laid there awake thinking about Christ’s blood that was shed to be infused into our lives. I wondered at that moment about the blood that Connor received, and I have to be honest I was worried about it being clean enough for Connor and I was worried that it wouldn’t be compatible with his body. But then the Lord calmed my heart and I felt this message from the Lord deep within my heart, “Lori, don’t be afraid. I have placed my blood inside of Connor to give him life and life more abundantly.” I have to believe that God gave me that message to give me peace and to trust him fully with our son. I am finding that there is a lot to trust God with when you have children. Our experience is not like most, but all of you parents reading this will resound with similar responses that you have had to trust God with your little angels as well. Being a mama to my little bug is teaching me so much about God, so much about love, and so much about trust. I wouldn’t trade our journey for anything in the world. Take me deeper in the journey Lord, I am ready and I am willing and we will faithfully go to the land that you will show us.


Lovebug Hugs,
Lori

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

WOW!! The parallel's that you wrote of our incredible. The 2 of you have such pure and obedient hearts before the Lord. I have known and worked with Christians who have gone through tragedies and have become bitter and distant with God........but not you guys!! You are only growing stronger and more mature in the Lord every day through Connor's journey. We are sooo proud of you guys!! Connor has the best parents in the world! I know that is what he is thinking when he looks at the 2 of you and studies your faces.
Love
Tammy

Heather Bennett said...

Hi Guys! First I want to say what a blessing this blog site is. It is great to be able to get a daily update on Connor and know specifically how to pray. I know this takes some of your time and energy , but what a blessing this will also be for you to look back on. You will be able to read your daily journals and revisit God's hand moving in the first few weeks of Connor's life.
Lori, you are so right, every parent who reads this will relate with feelings of parenthood. May we all respond to our children's dificulties with the same trust and faith in God that you have. WOW! When we do, what joy and peace and hope God brings!
We continue to pray for your strength and endurance through the long days ahead. I'll also pray that Connor's little eyes will begin to open more often with true recognition of Mommy and Daddy. :)
Love you all!
Heather B.

Heather Bennett said...

Hi Guys! First I want to say what a blessing this blog site is. It is great to be able to get a daily update on Connor and know specifically how to pray. I know this takes some of your time and energy , but what a blessing this will also be for you to look back on. You will be able to read your daily journals and revisit God's hand moving in the first few weeks of Connor's life.
Lori, you are so right, every parent who reads this will relate with feelings of parenthood. May we all respond to our children's dificulties with the same trust and faith in God that you have. WOW! When we do, what joy and peace and hope God brings!
We continue to pray for your strength and endurance through the long days ahead. I'll also pray that Connor's little eyes will begin to open more often with true recognition of Mommy and Daddy. :)
Love you all!
Heather B.

Shawn Zieglmeier said...

Dear Randy and Lori,

Daily I am checking in to see how Connor is doing. He is so sweet and brings a smile to my face everytime I see him and read about his journey. Your willingess to be available and vulnerable to the Lord is encouraging as we all walk our paths into the Promised Land. What I love about Abraham is that he was called a friend of God - know greater joy is known than to be called His friend. Jesus Bless you today, Shawn

Shawn Zieglmeier said...

Dear Randy and Lori,

Daily I am checking in to see how Connor is doing. He is so sweet and brings a smile to my face everytime I see him and read about his journey. Your willingess to be available and vulnerable to the Lord is encouraging as we all walk our paths into the Promised Land. What I love about Abraham is that he was called a friend of God - know greater joy is known than to be called His friend. Jesus Bless you today, Shawn

Anonymous said...

Wow Lori, You truly are a wonderful person. I have gone through some things with my own children (not near as much as you and randy) and I find myself questioning God, not understanding why I was put where I am but you are an inspiration to me. You are absolutely incredible in the belief that God has a purpose for all of this. Thank you.....

Anonymous said...

Lori & Randy,
My name is Venecca. I met you at Lynette's 40th birthday party. I just want you both to know that I have been praying for little Connor even before he was born. I am glad to get to follow his progress & to have the opportunity to make my prayers more specific. God knows exactly what is on our hearts & He always listens. You are the strongest parents I have ever met & your Faith is an inspiration. May Jesus watch over & protect you all....Love always, Venecca,Ray,Ashlee & Steven

Amber Berck said...

My Dear Cousin Lori-

It has been a long time and I have been reading your daily bloggers on conner. Congratulations what a precious angel he is and what a true gift from God. Boys thay are truly blessings from heaven,and how they melt your heart when you look in their eyes. What an awesome testimony you have to share about this beautiful child and how much strength the Lord has given you and Randy. He gives us no more than we can handle keep your eyes upon him for he knows the plans that he has for you. We love you and will continue to keep you and your family in our prayers.

Love Amber, Aaron, Caleb and Issac Berck

Anonymous said...

Randy & Lori,
What an amazing update. God is so faithful to encourage us in the most difficult of times. We pray that God continues to give you daily strength and that you hear His voice so clearly. Connor is absolutely adorable. It is so great to see his little face on this website. Lori, Tammy & I would love to come up there and see you and of course your precious little bug! I got you cell phone number from your Mom today so I will give you a call. Oh, I talked to your Dad briefly too, he sounds great!! Praise the Lord! We love you three!
Love,
Sue & Randy

Anonymous said...

Hey Lori,
I just thought of something when I read Tammy's blog above. She said you guys are the best parents in the world that Connor could ever have. Remember, when I used to work for your Dad and you & Brian would always tell him that he was the "bestest Daddy in the whole wide world"? Well, I know Connor would say that you and Randy are the "Bestest Daddy & Mommy in the whole wide world"!!!!!!!!!!!!!
love you,
Sue