Sunday Evening Introspection

Mama looking into the eyes of her little bug and talking about better days ahead in the "Promised Land" (read below!!)


A view of our little bug with eyes wide open earlier today. Ventalator still in along with decompression tube in his nose that drains the air from his tummy.


Good Evening Faithful Bloggers ~

Today was another day of sedation for Connor. It is so hard, as his parents, to watch him in such stillness, but yet we know that God is healing him in that quietness as well. There were two times today that he opened up his eyes wide to see us. He was still on pretty heavy medication so we are quite sure that he wasn’t really cognoscente of seeing us, but to Randy and I it felt like a small gift just to talk with him and love him with his eyes looking in our direction.

It’s amazing what I see in those precious eyes of his. I see the beauty of concentration as he studies the shapes and colors and faces around him. It is always so fascinating to see the wonder in a child’s eyes, but when it is your own child it takes on a brand new meaning. I realize that Connor is wondering about “his” world, about “his” parents, and about his experience in this very hospital. And then I wonder…..Will he remember these white walls? Will he remember the smells of alcohol and sterilized tools? Will he recall the nurses’ faces that have cared for him? Will he remember that his mama was holding his hand? Will he remember the numerous pokes on his body that have caused him pain? Will he remember our voices whispering “I love you soooo much little bug”? Will he remember our bedtime prayers and stories?

There are so many feelings and questions that come to mind as I sit and let myself truly reflect on our journey thus far. There is so much spiritual significance to what we are going through that sometimes the parallels are frightening because I wonder what God might ask of us next. Just the other day when Connor went into surgery, my dear friend Jacqueline was here and she reminded me of the story of Abraham. When God called Abraham to go “to a land that I will show you” that was a pretty vague directive. There were a lot of questions in Abrahams mind, but what we see in God’s word is that Abraham was obedient. Did he have struggles along the way? You bet he did! Did he question God? He sure did! But what is so significant about the “journey” that Abraham and the people of Israel went on is that it led them to the Promised Land! I feel that this is what God is showing Randy and me about our journey. By faith we are walking day to day in a direction to a land that we don’t know. We have no idea how long it will take us and what detours we may have to take along the way. At times (most of the time) we don’t even feel like we have a map to get there, but one thing we do know….GOD IS FAITHFUL!! He will lead us to the Promised Land. How excited my heart gets to think about what the Promised Land is going to be like with our precious little bug. I’m sure we will run & play, and giggle & laugh, and hug & kiss, and learn & grow. But right now, we must heal first and gain strength for the next leg of the journey. Healing takes time, and healing takes patience and we must surrender ourselves to the process. Connor’s healing is coming to us in waves that we did not expect. We did not expect to be hospitalized and we did not expect to have such a medical experience these first weeks of his life, but this was intended on our map for our journey. I don’t think we can fully appreciate yet, exactly what God is doing and what he is showing us. But, we are trying desperately to make ourselves available to the Lord and to His plan for Connor and for us as a family.

Another spiritual parallel I see happened on Friday night, actually Saturday morning at 1am when the phone in our room rang and we were asked to come to Connor’s room immediately. When we arrived we were told that Connor had lost more blood in surgery than expected and he was in need of a blood transfusion. This threw us a little for a loop because we weren’t expecting it. After signing the consent forms they had to put an IV line in the top of Connor’s head because there were no other veins available. He received his blood transfusion over about a two hour time period. When we came back to bed, I laid there awake thinking about Christ’s blood that was shed to be infused into our lives. I wondered at that moment about the blood that Connor received, and I have to be honest I was worried about it being clean enough for Connor and I was worried that it wouldn’t be compatible with his body. But then the Lord calmed my heart and I felt this message from the Lord deep within my heart, “Lori, don’t be afraid. I have placed my blood inside of Connor to give him life and life more abundantly.” I have to believe that God gave me that message to give me peace and to trust him fully with our son. I am finding that there is a lot to trust God with when you have children. Our experience is not like most, but all of you parents reading this will resound with similar responses that you have had to trust God with your little angels as well. Being a mama to my little bug is teaching me so much about God, so much about love, and so much about trust. I wouldn’t trade our journey for anything in the world. Take me deeper in the journey Lord, I am ready and I am willing and we will faithfully go to the land that you will show us.

Lovebug Hugs,
Lori