Monday, March 20, 2006

Today at sunset.....

During our experience here at Children’s Hospital I have not afforded myself the luxury of walking outside at sunset. Today, I broke the trend. While I was walking back down the long hallway from the cafeteria after dinner I spotted the glow of the setting sun through a far away window. I realized that with Connor still sedated, he probably wouldn’t recognize that I didn’t come right back from eating my dinner. So with a certain swiftness in my steps I hurried to the family room area where there is a beautiful deck that overlooks the facility here. As I stepped out into the brisk air, I breathed in a deep breath of “spring”. Yes, it’s officially springtime!!!! As I watched the sun bid farewell to the day I was struck with the colors I beheld. Upon one glance I would see an amber glow, and then after a single blink, the sky seemed to turn pink, purple and violet all at the same time. How does God do this I wondered? How does He, in His infinite Heaven, hold the stars, change the color of the sky and care for my “little bug” all at once? How great and how big is our God???!!!! It is awesome to behold His Greatness. It is humbling to know I am on His agenda. It is beautiful to watch His hand smooth away my worries and give me a glimpse of “Hope” in the midst of such uncertainty. Today at sunset my heart felt peace and my eyes beheld the glory of God and I am thankful I didn’t squander the opportunity to have such a powerful moment.

My heart has been in a quiet place today. With Connor remaining on so much medication and with his constant need for stillness, I feel a bit lost by not being busy about the duties of motherhood. I’m not comforting a fussy spell, I’m not changing the “poopies”, nor am I rocking my little bug off to sleep in my warm safe arms. Instead I am sitting in a hospital rocker chair with empty arms and tear filled eyes as I watch our son lay sleeping. This afternoon Connor’s team of nurses and doctors determined that he needed to stay on the ventilator for a couple more days. Because of that decision they had to re-tape the dressing of his ventilator. When they did this, Connor became very upset and agitated. Many of you may remember a while back that I wrote about what it was like to see Connor cry with this ventilator in and not be able to hear the audible sound of his cry. Today while this was happening I had my hand next to Connor’s face and when he cried I caught two drips of his tears in my hand. They were wet and they were warm and they quickly soaked into my skin. I clinched my fist to remember the feeling of his warm, soft tears touching me. I guess as a mother we always want to wipe our child’s tears away, but today, I just wanted to hold onto them a little longer as it’s all I had to cling to. Have you ever considered holding your child’s tears, so that, for a moment, you may become one with their hurt or pain or frustration?

This reminds me of the scripture in Psalms that says, “He catches my tears in His bottle.” Have you ever thought about that? Our tears penetrate the heart of God. So much so that he holds them and collects them in his bottle. To me, that is a message of incredible tenderness. This speaks so deeply to me that God does not dismiss our sadnesses and the concerns that cause us great worry. He collects them in His bottle and He cares for them. With His very hands He nurses our tears into joy. His concern for us is unique to our specific pain and whatever it is we are going through. Today, Connor’s tears taught me a lesson in tenderness. I can’t wait for the day to come where I will tell our sweet baby about the day mama caught his tears and how they changed my heart.

In the quietness of this day my heart is left with the question, “What is it that moves the heart & hand of God?” Is it our desperateness? Our questions? Our fears? Our pleadings? Our praise? Our petitions? What is it that makes Him move on our behalf? And I believe that my answer for today is that it is our sincerity. Out of the sincerity of our heart we request of God only things God can do. Only He can calm my heart and stop my worries. Only He can bring me joy in a sunset. Only He can heal our son or give us grace to handle each day of sickness. So if you ask me if I feel the Heart of God in our experience with Connor, I will say, with resounding refrain, YES! If you ask me if I feel the Hand of God upon our hearts, I will jump to my feet and say, YES! He is here with us, and though we may not see progress yet, we wait expectantly. We wait upon the promises of God to be poured out among us and we wait for His perfect hand of Love to rest upon our family.

Tonight I will go to sleep with tear stained hands, with a picture of a beautiful sunset in my heart and a feeling of peace knowing that we, the Robertson’s from Auburn, Washington have touched and moved the heart and hand of God. Thank you Lord for your revelation to my heart.

Lovebug Hugs,
Lori

5 comments:

Cousin Erica!! said...

Hey Randy,lori and Baby Connor
I miss you guys so so much i read you Bolg its the most wonderful thing I have ever heard in my life! I pray for you and Connor every day and hope to come down and see you soon!!
Lovebug Hugs
Cousin Erica!!

Cousin Haley! said...

Hello randy lori and Connor
I loved comeing down to see you and baby connor and I will pray for you tonight and every night I love you so much!
Love Cousin Haley!!

Jennifer said...

Dearest Lori,

I am the daughter of a long time family friend of the Robertson's-my dad, Gary Christian, has known them since before I was even born.

I've known of your journey since before little Connor was born. My dad is excellent at passing on emails that request prayers! I just got home from vacation yesterday and saw an email with this wonderful blog site attached to it. Little did I know that I would be instantly hooked!!! Already in the 24 or so hours since I have learned of it I have checked in about half a dozen times! :o) God has given you such a gift with words! I don't know what I am going to read after baby Connor gets all better and goes home. You'll just have to keep blogging until he's eighty-five I guess!!!! LOL

Praying for you,
Jennifer Christian-Klefstad

Anonymous said...

Lori,
You are such an amamzing person. I find myself checking the blog site several times a day just to see what you have to say about the day and Conner. It's truly a blessing to me to read your words. You have such a way of putting thing on paper (or computer). Your faith is so incredibly stong.
I found myself crying tonight after reading your words of the sunset. How awesome to know that you can still see beauty in everything around you when you are going through so much. And that you remember to thank God for the things that most people take for granted.
I've only met you a couple of times but your words are a blessing to me and I can't wait until each night when I can read what you have to say about Conner and see the insight you bring into everything you write.
I'm still praying faithfully. God bless you and give you strength Lori.
Love~Tia

Anonymous said...

Wow. I don't even know you and I love you. You're words are a blessing to my heart. Keep your faith love.